Finally Realizing I'm Alone

 It's only Me and God now...

To start, a little bit about me; I was diagnosed with (severe) Bipolar 1 and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I have a few others, Autism, MDD, GAD, to name a few. Since my diagnoses of Bipolar/BPD in mid 2016, my mental health has been nothing but a downhill ride.

(FYI - Bipolar and BPD are worse than cancer, because at least cancer lets you have less suffering and torture when it eventually kills you quickly. With Bipolar/BPD you get to live your whole life seeing yourself hurt everyone and everything you've ever known and loved.)

It was very manageable from 2016 - 2018; until I got addicted to hard drugs. This isn't a mental addiction either. I have permanently fucked my brain (especially dopamine processes). I'm physically dependent on Meth if I ever wanna feel just, 'Normal'. Since starting drugs in 2018, it has severely impacted my mental health to the point where if I stop my Bipolar meds, I immediately become and remain manic until I take my meds again.

To those who have no experience with severe Bipolar Mania, I do and say things I would never do or say on meds; horrible, inexcusable things that most of the time I have no control/memory of. I make rash, impulsive, emotional driven decisions that I (98% of the time) regret.

Lately, it's been feeling like I'm fucking stuck.

Like I have no outlet to vent, no-one that truly understands, no-one that wont fuck off.

I've explained my bullshit mental health garbage about 1,000x to people yet it seems like no-one bothers to even try to understand me.

The last week or so have been the worst I've had in a very long time. Just when everything was looking up too.

I'm considering finding a way to end my physical life here on earth. I lost friends today who I thought understood; I was very wrong.

IDK how to feel about loosing all my friends; all I can think about is a quote I heard (my favourite quote) - 

"The reason you feel alone and have few friends is because the path to Heaven is narrow, while the path to Hell is broad; few ever find the path to Heaven. You are alone because no-one in your life so far is on the path to heaven other than you. Many will eventually take the path to Hell."

I'm probably getting more drugs to further rot my brain to finally become oblivious to everything and everyone. I'm sure some of you reading this would be ecstatic if I killed myself/destroyed my brain. I agree with y'all; I'm a waste, once a possibility, now ruins. I won't purposely end my life, though. It's a sin. All I can do is wait patiently for substances, age, or something out of my control to give me sweet release. Then it will be just me and God with Jesus. I'm not afraid of their judgement because, no matter how much you hate me, I will still always be a better person than 98% of you reading this. The fact some of you have such a hard on for me even after a year or more must mean I'm doing something you envy.